All About Me

CARBONDALE IL, April 1, 2004— You would have thought that chronically underpaid SIUC professors would be outraged to hear that a number of upper administrators are set to receive raises of up to 20%. But not David M. Johnson, Assistant Professor in the Classics Section of the Department of Foreign Languages and Literatures.

" I received just this past week very pleasant news from Interim Associate Provost Robert A. Jensen," Johnson reports.

Jensen's letter indicated that a recent grievance by the Faculty Association had resulted in a minuscule increase in pay for him, as it has for many other faculty.

" And a big part of my raise isn't in some abstract percentage of my annual salary, but rather a concrete, lump-sum payment of four dollars and eight cents ($4.08), less all applicable deductions," Johnson continued. "That figure alone amounts to a raise of some .009%," Johnson calculated.

In addition to this lump-sum, Johnson's monthly base salary, beginning in May, will be increased by $1, less all applicable deductions. This amounts to a raise of .02%.

" It may be true," Johnson admitted, "that the administration parted with these funds only after an arbitrator's decision legally compelled them to do so. But in these difficult financial times, I regard it as a good sign that the administration is willing to pay faculty more, even if lengthy and expensive legal maneuvers are required to get them to obey the law."

Administrative raises were tied to higher workloads. Johnson's workload over the past calendar year was also increased, but he showed no anger that this had not resulted in a corresponding rise in salary.

" It's true enough that I taught seven courses last year, up from five the year before, a rise of 40%," Johnson conceded. " But it's not like I have one of those important jobs on campus like director of propaganda or head athletic supporter," he went on.

" Hell, I hear that for those jobs one has to show up at the office every day wearing a tie and panty hose, er, make that a tie or panty hose. All I teach is Latin and Greek," Johnson continued, "and publish peer-reviewed articles in scholarly journals. It's not like this is Rocket Science."

" Jeez, when's the last time you heard anyone getting a NSF grant with oodles of central administrative overhead money for doing work on Latin or Greek? Forget those Faculty Association nay-saying radicals. I'm going to laugh all the way to the bank, and deposit $4.08 in my son's college savings account."

[By the way, once the Board of Trustees got involved, most of the administrators didn't get their raises--in no part whatsover thanks to this lil' bit, which appeared only on my office door, where it was read by 1.3 passersby.]